Hogwarts 90210
by Juanita Margaritaville
Summary: Chapter 4 up!!! Harry and Suzie's big date! How will it go? And what does it have to do with Donny Osmond? This is a XDAS story! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Enter The Mullet

Harry Potter 90210

Disclaimer: Please, Oh Please Review! This is my first Harry Potter fanfic, so don't make fun of me. It's really flufftabulous, but it doesn't have a plot. I've never written with a plot and I never will. SO STOP FLAMING ME!!!!!!! IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, THEN DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and I don't own Harry Potter. 

Chapter One. 

It was the beginning of Harry Potter's 5th year. They all returned from their summer vacation and they all met up at the train station. 

"Hi Hermione," Said Harry.

"Hi Harry" Said Hermione.

"Hi Ron," They both said.

"Oh look, there's draco. Grrrrrrr." Said Ron angrily. 

Hedwig flew down on Harry's shoulder.

"Polly want a cracker?" She asked.

Woah! How did you teach her to do that?" Asked Ron?

"I cast a speaking charm on her," Answered Harry.

"Oh okay," Said Ron.

Then they got on the train and went to Hogwarts.

(AN: This is really boring, so I'm going to fast forward a bit, kay?)

"Every," Dumbledore said, "We have a new student from America. Her name is Suzie Underpants." After Dumbledore said that, a Beautiful girl came out. She had a flowing mullet that sparkled in the sunlight. All of the guys fell in love with her instantly. Ron had stars in his eyes. 

"Wow!" Said Hermione, "She looks really familiar. Actually, she looks exactly like me, only with a mullet. Oh my god! Shes my evil twin Sister from Oklahoma!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dumbledore put the sorting hat on Suzie's mulleted head. "Wow, what a lovely mullet you have!" The hat said in Suzie's ear before shouting out, "GRYFINDOR!"

All of the guys at the Griffindorfer table cheered loudly, but the girls looked mad. 

Harry, Ron and Hermione were also at that table cheering. There were floating pumpkins. 

"I'm in love!" Proclaimed Ron.

"With who?" asked Hermione, fuming with jealousy. (AN: Hermione is secretly in love with Ron ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^!!!!!!!!)

"With Suzie Underpants! She's so groovy! She's all that AND a bag of chips! And a coke, and a cherry pie. And maybe some chocolate, and marshmallows and grahmcrackers so we can make Smores."

"Stop it ron!" Harry complained, "Your making me hungry!"

"We'd need a spoork to eat it all…" Ron continued to himself. Ron talked to himself a lot, which worried Hermione because that wasn't a good trait for a husband. 

Suzie Underpants came over to sit by Harry, pushing Hermione out of the way in the process. But she didn't mind because she was pushed onto Ron, who was loudly complaining "Get off of me Hermione!"

"Hi," Suzie said, "I'm Suzie Underpants and I'm from Oklahoma! I have a mullet! Do you want to touch it?"

Harry and Ron, mesmerized by her mulletly beauty said at the same time, "Yesssssssssssssssssss."

"Oh bloody hell," Said Hermione, "I'm going to talk to the demons in my head." 

So Harry and Ron touched the magical mullet, and instantly all of their pains were cured. 

That's all I have right now. How did you like it? Was it good? Please review and only good comments please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ 


	2. The Mulletectomy

Hello Friends! I've got another chapter up! YAY!!! ^_____________________^

Dear Plots Are Bad- Thank you soo much for reviewing! I'm glad you licked it. And don't worry, cause you can sleep now. 

Dear Jamie Clause- You aren't very nice. Please only post nice reviews. Make constructive criticism not destructive criticism. :)

Chapter 2

Mulletectomy 

Three weeks later…

In Moaning Mertel's bathroom, all the Gryfindor girls were saying how much they hated Suzie, while smoking pot. 

"Oh mah God!" Said Ginny, "That Suzie chica is such a biatcha loca."

"I hate her stupid mullet. Stupid magic mullet," another girl said. 

"Just because she has a mullet, the guys think she is so beautiful" said Hermione.

"I know!" said Ginny "its not our fault that we weren't blessed with mullets!"

 "Hey! Let's all sneak into her room at night and cut it off!" Hermione (Being the brains of the group) Suggested. All of the Grifinders agreed and they laughed diabolically for at least a good half hour. Then Hermione thought of the most ingenious plan ever! 

"We should wait till she's sleeping and then cut it off" said hermione in an arrogant tone. So the girls had the most sneakest evilest and dumbest plan ever..........

****************************************************************

Harry, ron, and hermion we're all sitting in the big hall thingy when all of a sudden an owl brought a broom down. 

"OH MY GOD, THAT'S A WONDER MOP 2002!" shouted Ron.

"It looks kinda...not good...to me ron..."said harry.

"Actually, it's the best broom out of America right now Harry!" said ron.

Draco looked at them with envy as he only had a nimbus 2001. "Damn that HArry Potter!" Said Draco. And for lack of a better insult, he shut up (for once.) So then he decided to come up with a plan to steal Harry's mop. But then he realized it was a stupid plan, so he gave up. 

So Draco asked professor Snape for some help and Snape said "of course Draco, I secretly love you"

Meanwhile, back with harry, everywhere he went, he took his wonder mop. The people all around went "ooooooooh" and "aahhhhhhhhhh" everytime they saw the Mop. 

When Suzie Underpants came up to Harry and said "oh my god that wonder mop is so flufftabulous! Can i touch it?" she asked in awe, "............come on i let you touch my mullet!!!!!!!!"

"So" said Harry, "You like my mop huh?" Harry, still being very young reaally needed to work on his pickup lines.

After Suzie gave Harry a weird look, Harry thought of another pickup line, "Uhhh…are you jamiacan?.............cause your jamaican me crazy!'

Then suzie said "actually im 1/4 jamiacan"

So Harry said "do you.......maybe.........i dunno.......might wanna........go with me to eat food???'

Suzie said "are you asking me out? Because then you really suck at that."

Then Ron Laughed at Harry for his inability for asking out girls.

Harry ignored Ron and said "yea I'm asking you out but i know that you wouldn't wanna go out with a loser like me. I'm not good enough for the mullet" He said sadly. 

Suzie then says "well since your ugly like Ron, I mean since you're not ugly like Ron, I'll go out with you"

This made Ron Cry, and glare at his best friend, or perhaps EX best friend.****

*************************************************************************

It was night and not a creature was sturing in the gryfindor hall.....not even a mouse.

(mission impossible music begins to play)

The Griffendor girls (Who shall now be referred to as the G-Girls) tip toe towards Suzie's room. All of a sudden Hermione falls and the rest of girls fall down too..........you know that darn domino effect.

        As the girls open the door, a big bucket of ice cream dropped on them. However, not to be daunted by mere cold and sticky ice cream, the girls continued. Suzie was sleeping peacefully in her bed. But unknown to the G-Girls, that was a blow up doll decoy, and the real Suzie was hiding in the shadows above her bed. She was on the ceiling since her mullet gave her spider powers. 

When the girls went to cut off the blow up Suzie's mullet, she pounced on them with a great ferocity. 

Hermione awoke in complete darkness. "Hello Granger," said a voice Hermione identified as her twin sisters'.

"Underpants." Hermione said coldly. She tried to move her wrists, but they were bound. 

"So my dear long lost twin, you wish to cut off my mullet huh? Well how about we turn the tables?" Suddenly there was blaring music. Suzie was playing music by Britney Spears, N'SYNC, Spice Girls, New Kids on the Block and that sort- which are all horrible on their own- but Suzie was playing them all at once. Hermione gritted her teeth and tried to not scream. The shouts of pain from the others let Hermione know that the other G-Girls were in the room with her. Meanwhile, Suzie was busy shaving each of the G-Girls' heads, one by one. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stop the TORTURE!!!!" The girls screamed, but Suzie only continued to crackle. 

When she was done, all the girls ran from the room as fast of they could, each with a head that could've been used as a mirror. 

Suzie laughed as they ran, "That'll teach you not to mess with my Mullet!"


	3. Sweatin’ to the Oldies

By popular demand from PLOTS-ARE-BAD and meccacard, I have another chapter up!!!!!! YIPPEE SKIPPY!

And Gee Golly I am sorry for the delay fans. I've has a hard time with the stress of the holidays and all. :'(

And for the flamers who I will not name (GrimReaperKeres), please make it constructive criticism!

Chapter 3!!!!!!!

Sweatin' to the Oldies

Remember that thing called Hogwarts????

Yeah that school thingy where they learn stuff about Wizard crap, well Harry, Ron, and Hermione finally decided to go to class. 

"Oh BLOODY HELL!!!" yelled Ron. "There's a new DADA teacher!" 

"I hope that the new teacher gives us 500 pages of homework every night" said Hermione, hoping to get the attention of her secret crush Ron. 

"Shut up, you stupid bald girl!!!!" yelled Ron, then Hermione turned away and balled like a little baby.

"Shut up Stop making FUN Of MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" shouted Hermione at Ron. 

"Why doesn't he love me?" asked Hermione to her demons in her head. 

Then her demons said back "BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE MR. CLEAN!" 

Harry, who had been silent during the whole fight, was thinking in his head "Oh my god I can't believe I'm going on a date with Suzie Underpants, SHE LOVES ME, SHE REALLY LOVES ME!" 

All of sudden Hermione remembered "Oh yeah I'm a witch! I can grow my hair back!"

"Well duh, _I _even knew that, you bald moron!" cried Ron. Ron was in a very bad mood because Suzie Underpants didn't pick him. 

Then Harry said "Ummm guys, don't you think that we should be getting to class, I mean it's the whole reason why we are in Hogwarts???"

Ron: OHHH so thats why we are here

***5*3*P*3*R*4*7*0*R**0*F**D*3*4*7*H**H*4*H*4*H*4****

So Harry, Ron, and Hermione were going to their DADA class, when they heard the weirdest sound…………………… 

"Is that disco music?" said Hermione 

As they entered the room, they a very weird man with SHORT SHORT striped short, a pink tank top and a very poofy afro.

"Hey kiddies, I'm Professor Richard Simmons and welcome to DADA class, join in on the fun!!!!!!!!!!! Today's first lesson is SWEATIN THE OLDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Simmons.

Hermione searched frantically in her book to find what "sweatin the oldies" meant. 

Ron wondered what "sweatin the oldies" meant but said "screw it" and began to dance. 

Harry was frozen in a state of confusion when Suzie came over and then began to tango with him. This was too much for his little brain to take, so it exploded. Thankfully because he was a wizard, it was fixed immediately. 

Ron looked on enraged with jealousy as he gave Harry the double fists. Harry -thinking Ron invented a cool new wave- did the same. 

Then Professor Simmons decided that he needed some different music and put on the soundtrack of "Dirty Dancing." He sighed contently and sat back with a Whopper from Burger King. "That right! You're all doing wonderful! Just keep it up!"

Just as Suzie was going to do a lift into Harry's arms to the song "time of my life", Dumbledore came in with a very, lets just say, he wasn't too happy face. Dumbledore said "Why wasn't I invited to your party? I LIKE TO PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC TOO!!!"

Then Richard Simmons said "HEY DUMBLEDOO, COME JOIN IN THE FUN"

"I LOVE TO SWEAT AWAY THE POUNDS! I'M A PONY, I'M A PONY!!!" said Dumbledore, and so he joined in and showed off by doing "the hustle." 

Then Professor Mcdoogle entered and put her hands on her waist and taps her foot in anger (or was it because she loved the beat of the music???) 

"COME ON MCDOOGLE, JOIN THE FUN!!!!" said Dumbledore.

And before you knew it, Professor Simmons was the most popular teacher ever! 

Even Snape would join in and dance (no wait, that would never happen).

Pretty soon, the whole school was crammed into Simmons' tiny classroom. It was hard to dance, but they managed it and soon it became a giant mosh pit! 

Dumbledore then changed the dress code that everyone had to wear short striped shirts and pink tank tops, but nobody complained because those are cool clothes.

Richard Simmons single handily brought back the 80's to Hogwarts!

But would Snape stand for this??????????? DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

REVIEW!!!

And a cookie to anyone who could figure out the subliminal message in the separator. 


	4. THE DATE!

            Hi all! Get ready for another FLUFFTABULOUS chapter!       

Harry was in his room trying on every piece of clothing he owned, which wasn't very much- only two outfits. 

            "I think you should wear the polka dots, with the plaid socks," said Hermione. She was trying to help him get ready for his date, so Suzie would love Harry and not Ron. 

            "Should I keep the striped shorts?"

            "Definitely."

            Unfortunately, Hermione had no fashion sense. 

            Satisfied with his looks, Harry went across the hall to pick up Suzie Underpants. 

            He knocked on the door. "KNOCK KNOCK!" Suzie opened it and began to sing, "Come and knock on my door! I've been waiting for….YOU!"

            "Uhhh Hi," Said Harry. Then thinking for a second, he said, "Are you tired? Cause you've been running through my mind all day!"

            "Actually, yeah, I am pretty tired," said Suzie. "So where are we going for our first date?"

            "We are going to go to the most romantic place I can think of…HARGID'S HUT!"

            "That really big fat guy??" Suzie asked. 

            Harry then leaned very close to Suzie's ear, and shouted, "YEP! THAT'S HIM!" Then in a normal voice he said, "Lets go to the Hut!"

            "Pizza Hut?"

            "NO! HAGRID'S HUT!" Screamed Harry. 

            "But I want a personal pan pizza, damnit!" complained the mulleted girl. 

            "But I'm broke!" Harry wined, "I spent all my money on leg warmers!"

            "Well…okay. But it had better be good, or I won't date you anymore. Even though you're ugly like Ron, I mean you're not ugly like Ron."

            So the couple went to Hagrid's Hut, NOT PIZZA HUT!

            When Suzie and Harry arrived at Hagrid's, Ron was already there and hiding behind a bush. "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Suzie Underpants will SOON BE MINE!!!! And Harry shall be DELETED from this World!" said a very vicious and diabolical (which means 'evil' Stupid People!) Ron. 

            A few feet behind Ron was Hermione, who was also plotting diabolically. She was thinking of ways to make Ron hers, when she suddenly caught sight of Ron's bootylicious ass, and all of her intellect left her and puddled underneath her feet. She sighed and propped herself up against the tree for support.

            And a few more feet, behind another tree was Draco. He was also plotting how to diabolically get the wonder mop from Harry. (AN: Yeah you thought we forgot all about the wonder mop, didn't you? Well actually we did. But its back now so YAY!)

            Back a few more feet, behind another tree was Snape, who was diabolically plotting how to get Draco…Ewww…

            So lots of people are plotting diabolically okay???

            The End!

            Haha, no, I kid. 

            Hagrid opened the door for Harry and Suzie and said, "What up Homies? Word to your great grandmama!"

            Harry just stared blankly at Hagrid, before mustering up the strength to say, "Hagrid?? Is that you??"

            "YEEEUUP! Its me alright! I wanted to become a more hipper and Flufftabulous Hagrid!" So skeptically Harry and Suzie entered the hut, only to find out it had been transformed into a disco dance hall! Hagrid gave them a table and served them month old cheetos. 

            The young couple sat there in an awkward silence.        

            Harry cleared his voice, "Whaaaa….nevermind."

            Suzie was very bored, but she tried to think up a topic, "Soooo, how 'bout those Yankees?"

            Harry didn't know how to answer, so he randomly blurted out, "Did it hurt?" Suzie was confused and caught off guard by Harry's remark, so he finished it, "Dddddd-did it…uhh…it hurt whe-when you fe-fell fr-rom heaven?"

            Suzie had become very annoyed by Harry's constant pick up lines by now, so she said, "I don't know. Did it hurt when you were beaten with an Ugly Stick??"

            Harry cried and said, "But I thought you said I _wasn't_ ugly like Ron!"

            "Well Ron _is pretty ugly, so that gives you some room._

"I'm sorry I'm so ugly and such a boring date!!!!!!!!!! All I want is for you to love me, is that too much to ask?????" screamed Harry.

"YES YOU BIG DULL DUD!" screamed Suzie.

So Harry cried like a little school girl and screamed "ACK!!!" He ran out of the hut, and a few moments later he came back and calmly sat down in his chair. "Hi. Can we start over"

"Go away!" Screamed Suzie, "I would rather date ugly Ron than you!"

Ron, who had been eaves dropping, went to make his move, so he turned on the "Love Machine"

However Harry stood in front of him, blocking him from his goal. They both let out savage war cries and fought Matrix style. Harry shot lightning bolts from his wand and Ron dodged them all. 

While Ron and Harry were fighting like barbarians, Suzie sneakily left the hut and then proceeded to Draco's tree. And then she said to him, "Hey you wanna make out?"

"Ok!" Said Draco. So they do. 

Snape became insanely jealous, and he ran away crying like a newborn babe. 

Meanwhile, Ron and Harry were fighting each other. No one was really winning, but then they notice that THEIR CHICK! was making out with the enemy!"

So harry and ron ran after Draco. They noticed out of the corner of their eye, Hermione, staring off into space against a tree, however they didn't care and they ran right by her.

Harry screamed "MALFOY GET OFF LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then Ron screamed "HEY SHE'S MY LADY!!!!!!" and then Draco screamed "NO SHE'S MY LADY!!!!!!!!!' and then Suzie said "IM NOT REALLY A LADY!!!"

This caused everyone to pause for a second, and stare at Suzie. She took a deep breath and continued.

"I'm not really Suzie Underpants, I'm Donny Osmond!" The boys all stared as he/she burst into song, "I'm a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock n roll! And thanks to waste management I like to eat ice cream!"

When the boys realize that they were attracted to Donny Osmond, they go somewhere to hurl. Hermione, meanwhile, had finally woke up from her booylicious-ass-trance. She saw Ron, Harry, and Draco all crying.

When she asked them why they were crying, they reply "SUZIE'S A MAN BABY!!"

Hermione then cackled (it means 'laugh' stupid people) diabolically. She saw this as an opportunity to hit on Ron and told him, "You know Ron, if you're really hurt, you can always cry on my shoulder. Just make sure there's no snot."

Then Ron said "Eww no! You have cooties and I haven't gotten my cootie shot yet!"

He looked around for another shoulder to cry on, but since there was none, he tried to cry on his own. But that didn't work out very well.

        Later that day, after Dumbledore found out about Suzie's secret identity, he asked Donny for some tickets to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, and then expelled her.....him from Hogwarts."

The End

Fo Real this time

            Kudos if you count how many times we used the word "Diabolical" 


End file.
